Have Kids

It matters

The Children on the Doorstep by Paul Eddie Pfisterer

There is a rising number of people in the US who say they won’t be having children. Health is a big factor. So is the cost.

When I was in my teens and early twenties, I wasn’t thinking about children. I was trying to figure out how to not be in emotional pain, and how to have a stable relationship when I’d had bad role models. There were moments of grace, moments of joy and pleasure, but moments were about all I could manage. I was depressed and anxious, and my relationships were... complicated.

And I thought I had all the time in the world to get myself straightened out and to find a partner.

In one way, that was true. I'm 59 and have a wonderful husband of 20 years. As I write this, I've found a greater meaning and purpose that gives me something to be excited about, and that puts me in alignment with my spirit, my ethics, and the people around me.

In another way, I was dead wrong. I always imagined myself having children, and most women still do. I figured I had until my early 30s. My grandmother didn't start having children until she was 34. And then she had 7. My mother had me at 32. I figured I had good genes. But I missed my window, and not having children is one of my great regrets.

An internet search [I don't use Google] about regrets about not having children got me a whole pile of reasons why not having kids left people happier, or maybe even why there was some moral reason to not breed.

Telling people not to breed because that is somehow a responsible attitude is the sign of a very disturbed mind, filled with self-hatred. If you already think that, back away slowly. Nothing I have to say will be useful.

Yes, life satisfaction in young couples with small children is lower. Kids are work and sacrifice. And responsibility. But we find our greatest joy in taking on responsibilities. Even when the thing for which we took responsibility goes wrong. Even way wrong. It is the choice to take on the unknown and the actions that follow form that that make us into adults. It’s how we become people to be admired rather than perpetual children ourselves.

I was nearly a perpetual child.

There are several things that make people look back on their lives and say that it was good. One of those things is children, and then grandchildren.

It was hard for me to imagine the end of my life when I was 20, 30, or even 40 years old. My mother raised me far away from my grandmother, and while I knew she was bedridden from a broken hip, I didn't see what life was like for her or for my aunt who did a great deal of the caregiving.

Those skills matter. Right now, if you’re under 40, I'd like you to take the time to imagine the last ten years of your life. [If you’re over 40, I think you might be starting to do that already] In your image, are there people around you who love you? Do you want to live well for as long as possible and die quickly with minimal pain? Do you want to feel like your life meant something? Not just to you but to others?

Or do you want to be alone, friendless, without family, and without meaning?

I'm sharing what I know because I don't want that for you. I am an only child. I have no siblings to help me manage my 92-year-old mother. And I have no children of my own. The stepdaughter I raised is severely disabled. And my stepson has his mother to think about.

This isn't to evoke sympathy. I'm not dead yet. I do have cousins who care very much for my mom and who have done much to care for her. My intent is to be a good enough person so that I'll have people in my life to care for me when it's my time to leave.

Raising children is one of the ways this can happen, and I’ll be there for my mom when it’s her time. [Or at least, I’ll do my best to] I hope there are other ways too.

Selina Rifkin, M.S. [Nutrition], LMT, has been to Hades in a handbasket. More than once. This has given her some opinions. Like most of her generation [X] she’s okay with snark. Most days she tries for good writing. But the snark, and side comments creep in. She lives with her husband, and is Mother of Cats; four boyz and one cranky gurl. Selina has written The Young Woman’s Goodlife Guide: Things I Wish I’d Known When I Was 20. Or… Learn From My Pain, and How to Train Your Cat: Using a Clicker and Leash to Keep Your Indoor Cat Happy and Healthy, and the Goodlife Guide to Nutrition.