The Woman Who Gave Me a Moral Compass

I’ve written a little about my mother here. Despite not knowing what she was doing, she did good things for me. She made sure I had good grammar and manners, and I had a diverse education because she liked to visit museums, gardens, parks, and historic homes. All those things gave me the tools I needed to learn at least some of what she wasn’t able to teach me, or at least make me likable enough that people wanted to help me.

But it is the woman in the photograph who was the source of my moral compass. This is Anna, a Mennonite who cared for me from the time I was six months old. I ate with her youngest children daily [James had about eight years on me, and Tootsie was a teenager] I went to their church on Sundays, and Tuesday nights. On Tuesdays, I stayed over. This gave my single mom some time to herself. Aunt Anna - as I called her - loved me, told me Bible stories, and spanked me when I bit people or had a tantrum.

In hindsight, I probably would have been over both of those things sooner if I’d been Anna’s child. But my father was an alcoholic abuser, and my mother didn’t recognize the problem until he cheated on her and she divorced him. So my self-control came in a bit later than was ideal. I have Anna to thank for that self-control which has served me well.

She also gave me a solid grounding in the book that is classic literature in the Western world. I can still recite the 23rd Psalm by heart as she taught it to me when I was five. And the stories… Daniel in the Lion’s Den, The Coat of Many Colors, the Israelites fleeing Egypt, Abraham and Issac, the list goes on and on. Those stories are in my bones.

Pagan, I am. However, my paganism is deeply marked by the structure of monotheism. That isn't a bad thing. 'Harm none, do as thou wilt' isn't a moral code. It leaves us unable to predict what the person in front of us does - and doesn't - think is acceptable. And ‘harm' is deeply relative, and there is so much in the Pagan community that fosters, - even relishes - harm. Harm to others, harm to ourselves. Pagans see ourselves as good, caring, and kind, and many are.

Many are creative people whom Anna’s religion rejected. Rejected because we saw the world differently, because we didn't buy creationism [in my case, it was a book about dinosaurs] because we were punished for seeing ghosts or forest spirits, or just plain abused.

So many of us who couldn’t hold out for heaven found a home in modern Paganism. According to Steven D. Smith, JD, ancient paganism celebrated the divine as immanent in the world. For those of us broken by a world that made no sense, there was a refuge in that immanence, the joy - and healing - to be found in the hoot of an owl at dusk, the vibrant colors of a rainbow, or the hammering thunder of a hard storm. And the Pagan community was full of people who accepted such quirks and strangeness without batting an eye.

But having found Paganism at age fourteen and having done my healing, I’ve realized that being broken shouldn't be our normal. If we want temples to worship in and education for children that doesn't deny our beliefs, then we have to have our acts together enough to do more than open shops and sell candles to other Pagans. We need to have families, and communities that aren't spread all over a given state, and we need to have something bigger to serve than our personal interest.

One of the things that makes Christianity work is a set of articulated moral principles. If you meet a Jew, you know they honor the Ten Commandments. Same for Christians, but add the Beatitudes. It’s a shortcut that increases trust and smooths interactions.

Pagans can't agree on anything so basic. We can't even agree on what constitutes harm.

I have no plans to go back to Christianity. My gods, guides, and ancestors have walked by my side through hell and Hades, and I am a better person for it. My life is good and filled with blessings, a wonderful partner, and some damn fine people! But I've been finding my religion to be frustrating and disappointing.

So I learn things, and I write about them. And try to clean up my own life. I hope eventually, I’ll be strong enough to do a little more. If I am, they’ll tell me.

Selina Rifkin, M.S. [Nutrition], LMT, has been to Hades in a handbasket. More than once. This has given her some opinions. Like most of her generation [X] she’s okay with snark. Most days she tries for good writing. But the snark, and side comments creep in. She lives with her husband, and is Mother of Cats; four boyz and one cranky gurl. Selina has written The Young Woman’s Goodlife Guide: Things I Wish I’d Known When I Was 20. Or… Learn From My Pain, and How to Train Your Cat: Using a Clicker and Leash to Keep Your Indoor Cat Happy and Healthy, and the Goodlife Guide to Nutrition.