Not having it all...

Over-optimism and the limitations of being embodied.

I was raised to think I could have it all. Not so much because my mother said such things to me. She was a single, working mom at a time when that was still rare. [It was the 70s.] I’m not sure she thought she could have it all, in fact, I’m sure she didn’t, what with having had a divorce and a small child to raise alone.

No, that came from my culture. It was in books - and still is - and on magazine covers. A beautiful, smiling woman with children, a husband, and a briefcase.

I’m sure some people really thought that was true. And with the increase in wealth came a proliferation of jobs where women could excel. Jobs that didn’t require physical strength. And at the same time, women were starting to have much more freedom. We could have our own credit cards, and even buy a car for ourselves.

And yes, it used to be the case that on principle a woman couldn’t do those things without a husband or father to co-sign for her. My mother had bought a car for herself. And she loved it. Then my father traded it in without her permission because he could.

It must have been a heady time for women; so much opportunity, so many possibilities. And there were many women who left home and went and got jobs and also bore and raised children.

What they found was that the ‘have it all’ image was a lie unless one could afford a live-in housekeeper, and maybe a nanny. And that didn’t happen unless their husband was making a great deal already.

Just because women went off to work didn’t mean the men started helping around the house. There’s been no small amount of complaint from women about that, and gods know I’ve done my share.

But men generally do more physical jobs, or jobs that are more psychologically demanding. And they die sooner for it. Women outlive men in every country, and while the overall life span for people in developed countries is longer, the gap between female and male lifespans is larger.

No one gets out of here alive and we all have a limited amount of time.

The most important thing I could say to anyone is that you must choose how you spend it because when you don’t choose, you don’t get that time back.

But do choose something. And give it the absolute best that you can. Even if you choose wrong, you still have some skills under your belt that will make correcting your course easier when the time comes to reevaluate.

It can be easy when you’re under 30 to feel like you have all the time in the world. I should know. I always imagined myself with children. And I thought that I didn’t really need to be concerned about hurrying because my grandmother hadn’t started until she was 34, and my mother had me at 32.

While fertility is also a genuine issue with the time clock, what did me in was not getting myself a good partner.

Consider your options and choose. There’s no time to waste